It's a 35 minute bus ride downtown.

I spend a lot of time on buses here. That amounts to a lot of time with my mind wandering while I shut out the world with my iPod. When I think of something that amuses me, I type it into my phone to write about later. Here's the current list.

Every trip downtown, I see tons of "bus runs." The bus run: That awkward, self-conscious run people do in public when they're rushing, but not actually exerting themselves. I made up the name to describe the pace of people who are still 20 yards from the bus stop as their bus is approaching. It's also commonly seen while crossing the street after the light turns red. I love spotting a good, half-hearted bus run.

If I ever visit the leaning tower of Pisa, I want to take a picture of tourists doing the 'prop it up' pose and be in the foreground with a sign that says "Douche."

I invented a little game for myself. It's really stupid, but basically I try to take any movie and, through selective details, think of a descriptions that sound like bizarre drug experiences. Take It's a Wonderful LIfe, for example: You can literally hear the stars in the sky talking to each other. A guy wants to throw a rope around the moon and pull it down. The floor splits apart and people start swimming in it. A guy freaks out and starts thinking he was never born. Whoa, man...

Sharper Image should start selling sound machines with a Bob Ross setting.

I yearn to respond to "You use chopsticks very well!" with the equivalent compliment "You buttoned your shirt very well!" and watch Koreans wonder why they are being praised for the unremarkable accomplishment of having developed motor skills.

Sometimes I'll be staring out the bus window I'll think to myself 'Julia Roberts, I bet if you stopped pursuing Dermot Mulroney he'd dump Cameron Diaz and start chasing your tail. Then you'd finally have what you *think* you want... But you've got to consider this: There's absolutely no way he didn't realize you have feelings for him, which means he knew this and yet did nothing while you suffered. He's obviously just playing dumb so his ego can grow while you try harder and harder to win him over. He doesn't actually care about you. He doesn't see you as a person, just as a way of making himself feel better. What kind of deep-seeded emotional issues drives a person to compulsively pit jealous women against each other in an effort to win his ultimately unattainable affection? Isn't that a bit sociopathic?? How many more lives will he ruin?? Julia, do you really want to be with a guy like that?!?!?' Then I'll realize I'm analyzing My Best Friends Wedding, and I'll want to shoot myself in the face.

Drop the Y and suddenly you've got Charlie and the Chocolate Factor. I like this title a lot more for it's hilarious conceptual potential.

I get this dark-humored, creative writing tourette's when I write lesson plans. Typing about an activity will go something like this: Students will look at pictures of objects, identify them, and then cut off their arms and beat each other with them while using the phrase "All your base are belong to us!" The last one standing wins a piece of candy. Then I have to delete everything and write the real activity. *sigh*